“If
you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why.
Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just
is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness,
and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through
the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is
one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” – Stephen Fry
I never thought I would ever end up writing about living
with depression. Even though I have worked in mental health services and know
the signs and symptoms you never think it will hit you. How wrong I was.
If I am honest with myself I think I knew but chose to
ignore the signs, perhaps because of my fear of the stigma and of how people
may change their attitudes towards me or by then I was beyond caring.
My depression is perhaps many faceted but what has
certainly drained my capacity to keep positive has been the fact I have been subjected
to bullying for the past decade. Like all bullying it has had peaks and
troughs, but it has been eating away at me and one day in February I just had
nothing left. I guess some will wonder how I can be experiencing bullying, but
if there is one thing that I have learnt from representing members, it is that
anyone can be bullied. I have learnt as a social worker and trade union rep
bullying can happen to all of us. Often bullying takes place and other work
colleagues know it is taking place but don’t say anything for fear that the
bullying will move to them. I do understand why others have stayed silent and I
don’t blame them, but we all have our limits.
A good friend who shared their experience of depression
best summed it up by saying “you are completely drained like a car
battery, you can’t drive with a dead battery.” This resonated with me
as I just woke up one day and something had happened. My colleagues in the UNISON
office all say that they were not surprised, they were only wondering when it
would happen.
It did take a lot of persuading to see my GP, my workload
is always crazy and I do admit I take the attacks on my members personally. I
am always thinking about what we are doing, how we can improve and what we do
next. I am based in a Council which six years ago announced it was going for
mass outsourcing, though they deny it; at least 22 Council Services have now
been outsourced to another employer in the last four years and the last of us
are now due to be outsourced by April next year. The stress and anxiety being
experienced by our members is intolerable and therefore I am always trying to
find different ways to support them.
On the day I decided to visit my GP, I can’t pretend it wasn’t
very stressful because I feared just what he might say, I genuinely wondered if
I was going to be sectioned as I knew I was in a bad way.
I am glad I saw my GP and whilst I was not keen on taking
medication I recognised I had taken the first step by finally acknowledging I
had a serious problem. I could no longer pretend it wasn’t there. By the second
visit to the GP and I agreed a treatment plan with counselling and reluctantly
medication.
Now after several months of treatment, I am glad to report
that I am starting to feel better. I am still struggling with the side effects
of the medication which sometimes impacts on the quality of my life. As someone
who has never taken medication, this is still an area I am struggling with.
I must thank the NHS services for the services they have
provided for me, because I know deep down they have probably saved my life.
Just writing those words “saved my life”, is still quite
sobering and there are times when I can’t believe how I got into such a state.
Since my condition has become known to some of my friends,
some of them have shared their own experiences of depression. It is no surprise
to me that each of us has a different experience of how it impacts our mental
health. As a practitioner in mental health and now a service user I recognise
much more the importance of seeking help. Sometimes first contact might not be
a positive experience but don’t give up because the NHS hopefully won’t give up
on you. I know that mental health services are being decimated and there is an
increased need for services, which is why we must all actively campaign to stop
the destruction of mental health services.
Many friends and comrades have wondered where I had gone
and for those sending messages of support a big thanks, you don’t realise just
how much messages do help. I have started going back to work gradually, I’ve
had a few relapses as I have tried to take too much on, so I am going to try
and slow down……………..honest!
“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. . . . It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.” – J.K. Rowling
Links
I have left below a few links to a number of different
mental health services. I just want to say, if you are experiencing depression
or you have a friend with depression, just being there for them can be just as
therapeutic as any of the other treatments.
NHS
Samaritans
This is a very welcome article. Thank you for sharing. I've lived with depression most of my life & understand what you've been going through & totally agree with you. Very best wishes in getting your life together again, my friend.
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